Summary:

Have you ever heard the saying, “We judge others by their actions, but ourselves by our intentions”? Today, I’m going to show you how flipping that statement around can completely transform our thought life and drastically reduce the drama we find ourselves in.

Resources Mentioned:

Relationships 101 Episode: https://ashleyvarner.com/relationships-101
The Mindset Reset: https://ashleyvarner.com/mindset

Highlights from the Episode:

Awhile back, I heard that saying that goes, “We judge others by their actions, but ourselves by our intentions” and I looked at my life and realized how true it was.

I would judge others by how they acted toward me, but when I looked at myself, I would judge myself based on the intentions I had, whether or not they turned into actions.

I was so taken back by how unfair this seemed to the people around me that I made a decision to flip that statement around.

I decided that I was going to judge others by their intentions and myself by my actions.

And that decision completely transformed by thought life and drastically reduced the drama that I found myself in.

So today, I want to share with you exactly how I made this switch and what it looks like in real life.

Judging Others

First off, I know the phrase judging others can trigger certain feelings.  We’ve been told we shouldn’t judge other people. We have started saying “Who am I to judge?”

But I want us to be honest with ourselves and admit that we judge everything we see as soon as we see it.

We judge:

 – if there’s enough room between cars to switch lanes.

 – whether to add something to our schedule based on the event and what’s currently on our plates

 – two different work atmospheres to decide if we should switch jobs

 – how others act toward other people

I’m not saying it’s malicious or horrible, it’s just what we do.  It’s how we make decisions.

When it comes to judging other people, we can choose to use grace.

Giving Grace to Others

When you flip that statement around and start to judge others by their intentions, there’s really no way to know exactly what their intentions were.

And that gives us an opportunity to show grace in our thinking.

You can consciously become an advocate for others.

Many years ago, I sent out invitations to people for an event. A baby shower or something like that. One of my cousins didn’t receive an invitation. She spoke with another one of my cousins and asked, “Do you think I should go even though I didn’t get an invitation? Maybe Ashley doesn’t want me there.” 

The cousin responded, “Of course she wants you there! It’s Ashley! She wants you to be part of it!”

The truth was that I had an old address for the cousin and that’s why she didn’t receive the invite.

My point is, the second cousin could have easily jumped into the drama, but instead she showed me grace. She made the decision to judge me by my intentions. 

You can do the same thing.

You can choose to go to bat for other people and think the best of them.  If you send a message or email to someone and they don’t respond, you can choose to think, “She’s ignoring me” or you can choose to think “The email probably went in her spam folder” or “maybe she has her phone on silent.”

Judging people by their intentions essentially means, we believe the best about people.

Now you might say, “But what if they really were ignoring me?”

In that case, I would ask you how do you want to feel?

Do you want to feel ignored and upset?

Do you want to create unnecessary drama in the relationship?

If the answer is yes, then go ahead and think that thought.

By my guess is that you don’t want to feel that way or create that drama.

In that case, then choose to think grace filled thoughts. Because your thoughts don’t change the circumstance, but they do change your feelings and actions.

They could be ignoring you on purpose. They could be thinking mean thoughts about you, but that doesn’t mean you have to think negative thoughts about them.

And at the end of the day, you’re the one that has to live with your thoughts. You’re the one who has to deal with feeling ignored and upset. 

Instead of you think, “She probably has her phone on silent so she can spend time with her kids uninterrupted.”

Now you are thinking positive thoughts about that person. Maybe you pray and thank God for her and her kids. Maybe it encourages you to go and play with your kids.

See?

It doesn’t matter if what you think matches their exact intention. What matters is that YOU are choosing grace.

Giving Accountability to Yourself

The second transformation that happened in my life when I made this mindset shift was that I started holding myself more accountable.

And please realize that grace has a place here too.

I used to judge myself by my intentions. 

I meant to:

• take that gift to her
• mail that thank you note
• pray for that person
• make dinner instead of getting fast food

I would think, “at least I meant well.”

When I switched this around, I gave myself accountability.

I started judging myself based on my specific actions.

If I sent an email that wasn’t received in the best way, I made a point to clarify myself and apologize. I took accountability and judged myself by my actions.

If I over-reacted at my son doing something, I didn’t just rely on my intentions of training him up in the way he should go. Instead, I stepped back and apologized for over-reacting and explained the problem more calmly.

If I liked the food at a particular restaurant or how great service somewhere, I made sure to voice that praise to the people who served me.  It wasn’t enough that I thought it or had the intention of saying it, I held myself accountable to actually say it.

When we take this approach, it humbles us and challenges us at the same time.

It causes us to take action with the thoughts and emotions that we think and feel. 

Ultimately, this mindset is just a variation of Philippians 2:3-4 which says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Alright, that’s all I have for you today! I hope you enjoyed this episode and I’ll see you next week!

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